I was looking around for some superglue at home the other day. I definitely bought some a while back, it was in a blue tube with a black top. But I just couldn't find it anywhere – I checked all the drawers it might have been put in, I emptied out my little pot of pencils and pens in the hope it was in there somewhere. I asked both my house-mates if they had seen the elusive glue but they had not.
I definitely bought some.
If I hadn't, how would I know it was blue?
Anyway, I was rummaging through a box of “crap”, in the hopes that I had tossed the glue in there (arrogantly assuming that I’d never break another thing), when I came across this little, sealed box.
I have no memory of acquiring this but I'm going to assume it was either an Xmas stocking-stuffer or Cenobites left it for me to find (they presumably don’t exclusively work with ‘puzzle-boxes’).
Ouch.
The box, as you can see, is VERY EXCITING! Two of the six sides proudly display the name of the product, “The Beano: Fiendish Tricks & Pranks - Vintage Collection. I wondered what exactly “Vintage Collection” might mean in this context.
With the words, “You need to write something for the blog” ringing in my ears from the day before I decided that yes, I should do the responsible (perhaps heroic?) thing and review this amazing product for our wonderful readers!
Another side tells us to, “Try these tricks on your friends and family – Dennis would be proud.” You might be wondering, Dennis who? Rodman? Quaid? Hopper? Haskins (Mr Belding from TV’s ‘Saved By The Bell’)?? The answer comes on a couple of other faces of the cube, where we see pictures of, who else but Dennis The Menace. In the first picture Dennis appears to be flying through the air, holding a stick for some reason and accompanied by his ever-faithful dog Gnasher. The other picture is a little stranger – Dennis bends over in front of a cloud.
Perhaps he is hiding from the irate victim of a vintage fiendish trick and/or prank.
The underside of the box is a deathly dull affair when compared to the others - all trademarks and product codes. It does tell us here that the tricks and pranks, fiendish though they may be, are suitable for kids 8+. Relief surged through my 33 year old body – I qualified for the fun.
I carefully unsealed the box and opened it up, eyes wide and heart full of hope. What I found inside didn’t disappoint. There are 50 cards, each with a fiendish trick or prank on one side, and a picture of Dennis and/or Gnasher on the other.
But is this collection truly a vintage one? There was only one way to find out – It was time to prank some hapless fools…by which I mean my closest friends. I picked out a card and prepared for some hilarity.
Huh. Ok, that could work I suppose. I’m pretty handy at design, a keen amateur you might say, so I knocked this up.
Cool, right? I sidled-up to housemate/victim #1.
“Hey, check it out. Just found my birth certificate.”
“Oh, ok. Why? Do you need it for something?”
“Not really. It’s just nice to know that I’m a bit different. I mean, I always knew I was, but it’s nice to KNOW. You know?” I do exactly as Dennis advised.
“What are you talking about?” He asks, unwittingly playing the role of perfect mark. I show him. He looks very confused and asks, “Did you make this?” I double-down on the prank and tell him that it was given to my parents after I was born in space. This is the point that he called me a name that I won’t type here – suffice to say it rhymed with “Pranker” – and he walked away.
Not a good start but Rome wasn’t tricked and pranked fiendishly in a day. I took another card.
I cannot. I don’t know where the superglue went. I try again.
Ha! This is more like it! Housemate/Victim #2 is just begging for a ball shower! I set about finding all the balls in my house as instructed. After 30-45 minutes I have located a mere 3 balls – football, a tennis ball and a small ball with a jingle-bell in it that the cat ignores. I accept the fact that there are no more balls and begin phase 2. Only one of the kitchen cupboards is really capable of containing the football so I bosh my small ball collection in there and push it closed. I head to the living room and await the clatter of balls and the shriek of a man pranked. I wait all evening but I hear neither.
The next morning, sleepy and bleary-eyed I stumble into the kitchen to make a coffee. Yes, you guessed it, I was the one taking a ball shower. Well, one of them fell near me. The football didn’t move an inch, nor did the cat-toy. The tennis ball bounced off the counter and rolled harmlessly away. If I had been the true victim of this fiendish trick and prank I doubt I would have cared at all.
I am beginning to lose faith in the product. I resolve to pick one more card.
Damn it. Where is that glue??
I begin flipping through the cards in the hope of finding something more suitable. I am alarmed by what I find.
Picture a child, of 8 or older as indicated by the box, pranking his father thus:
Or perhaps like this:
Basically do whatever it takes to make your father paranoid about you futzing about with his underpants. But don’t think Mum is safe from this hilarity:
A horrifying experience for all involved, one would imagine.
These aren’t pranks. These are traumatic things that will take a long time to explain to a behaviour therapist. Resetting alarms to 3am, wiping butter on toilet seats, stuffing rags into taps to make them clogged, filling hot-water bottles with fake vomit and conning school friends out of their pocket money are all covered.
The pranks all seem to fall into one of two categories – Tedious and unfunny (hide your friends mobile under a chair and watch them look for it) to dangerous and probably illegal (dress as a policeman and point a hairdryer at speeding cars).
The JWMM verdict: This seemed like a sure-fire, can’t miss, laugh-riot in a box. But sadly the reality is the only thing this seems to be good for is making others think you are stupid, deranged and possibly dangerous. The saving grace is that apparently the product was discontinued a while ago – I assume amid a flurry of lawsuits from parents with befouled underpants and balls raining out of every cupboard. 2/10
Tim :P
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